How to Practice Abstinence in Relationships
Ironically, the concept of abstinence has somehow become taboo. Your parents may or may not have encouraged it, some churches preach to practice it but rarely discuss how to achieve it and most schools just direct you to the campus infirmary to pick up never-read sex education pamphlets and unlimited free condoms. UNLIMITED. Now, the once frowned upon, taboo act of having sex before marriage is not only widely accepted, but it is the norm. It's expected. Sex is everywhere, on TV, in the movies, in the music, in our books, and of course, the internet. Everyone is doing "it"- friends, family, coworkers, and even us "saved" Christian folk. So bringing up the thought of being a virgin, abstinent, practicing celibacy, or refraining from any sexual activities is laughable at best. Really. There's typically a chuckle that precedes the "Are You Serious?" face. But what if abstinence is your agenda? What if you do want to (prayerfully) wait until marriage or just hold out for any set period of time? Where's the hidden-in-plain-sight "how to" manual?
Well for starters, the ol' good book is a great resource... I mean that is where the instructions came from. First, understand the foundation. Visit, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, where scripture explains why and how sexual immorality is a sin. Then 1 Corinthians 7 encourages people that do want to experience sex, to do so in the freedom of marriage. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 also mentions that our bodies are to be presented honorable to God through control and self-discipline; not in passionate lust.
Ok, so now we have a better biblical understanding as to WHY God calls us to be abstinent, let's break down practical steps on HOW.
1. Commit to God your goal. Understand your why and understand that it is just that, YOUR why. Invite God to be a part of this journey and let God lead. Along with scripture, this helps give you a foundation to stand on when your strength starts to falter. Abstaining will be virtually impossible if both people don’t have the same intention (and are mutually invested).
2. Communication. Be honest with your feelings. You are human and will be attracted to the other person. That's ok. But also discuss what abstinence in your relationship will look like. What steps will you both take to make it work? If your partner doesn't see the value in waiting or is just abiding to appease you, time will wear down their strength, patience, and inevitably interest. Abstaining will be virtually impossible if both parties do not have the same intention (and are mutually invested).
3. Boundaries. Decide what will work for you both and be committed to honoring your MUTUALLY set boundaries. What are your "hot spots" to avoid and what are theirs? A simple and creative way to accomplish this is to create a code to "time out" when things get too steamy. For example, instead of using the word "stop", use the code word "ice". Of course, if the situation is becoming serious and dangerous, no word can replace "stop" and get out the safest way possible. A more proactive solution, is to avoid certain environments that are not conducive to a couple who is committed to abstaining. (i.e. "Netflix and chill" ... late night dinner and movie dates that turn into cuddling that turns into a sleepover...in the same bed...get my drift) Your flesh CAN'T be trusted so don't set yourselves up for failure.
4. Prayer and Accountability. This life is hard (no pun intended). It can be very frustrating, and lonely and there are moments you may be willing to sacrifice it all. DON'T. Jesus already sacrificed so we don't have to. The temptation will come, that's a given, but what will be your response? Support each other in prayer concerning your relationship and abstaining. Be accountable for one another and invite close, spiritual friends to check in on you. Read blogs and watch videos of people who are on this journey and couples who have succeeded. Surround yourself with scripture and hope.